SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello my SI friends,

I just wanted to know if and or anyone wore really thin on tolerance when reconciling, I seem to be really close to zero tolerance lately and I have come extremely close several times the past couple of weeks to being done with all of this. My H is working on himself I cant deny that at all but I just don’t seem to be able to tolerate when he does slip in to certain behaviour. It feels like he’s a child and what’s worse is I’m sick of calling it out.

This week both our vehicles are due an MOT, he’s not good at tolerating uncertainty, so today he calls me from work telling me the brakes are binding on his car, ok order a new calliper and I’ll shoot and pick it up for you, NOPE, he proceeded to offload that he didn’t want to buy a new calliper because xyz and he could run in to other issues fitting but it’s not binding that bad it might pass what should I do should we have a go at freeing it up when I get home?, if I order one can I order one from the next city can you travel to collect it, what if it fails blah blah blah. I said are you finished?!, the cars are going for a mot, if they fail we will deal with it, end of story.
He says, yes you’re right, I can’t control the outcome and it’s just a mot but my goodness I’m so pissed off, I’m sick and tired of having to tell him. He says sorry and I’m like yeah ok until next time, sorry sorry sorry.

Failure, he can’t deal with failure and he sees everything that doesn’t go perfectly as failure.
He failed himself, his wife and his children but he’s got crippling anxiety because he’s afraid of the cars not going through the mot?, that’s just stupid. It’s not attractive and

I don’t know what to do here?

It seems to me that is an issue that would be something to work through regardless of it he had never betrayed you. All couples and people have issues like that.

What I think is important, is to harness the skills and changes you have both made going through the betrayal process...to constructively work through this.

I like my complete lack of tolerance for a lot of things now.

I earned it, I reached my limit on a lot of things, from lot of people.

That said, you’re the final vote on how much additional patience you will offer.

WS who nearly have lost everything based on their actions (and they care about all the damage caused) are dealing with their own level of PTSD. It is not anything like ours, but other things in life can be uphill for WS as they heal too.

Sounds like your H needs some more healing of his own.

All or nothing perfection was a problem for my wife too for a long time.

Ten years later, I still have to remind her to relax or chill and that things will always work out, one way or another. She has changed so many other things along the way, I have to remind myself not to expect perfection either.

Reminders are rare these days, but I definitely recall losing my own patience in the first few years.

As always though, if you’re done, you’re done — better that than settling or moving toward resentments.