Hi,
Lurking since couple of months, first time posting. I don’t know if I need advice or rant or just some hope for this to get better.
1) some background: I 30/F and my partner 28/M are doctors. When the said cheating happened, we had been dating for 4+ years, families knew each other, we had plans to marry in 2 months, all preparations for the wedding were ongoing. Both of us were equally enthusiastic about the preparations. My partner’s family was initially disapproving of our relationship but eventually came around (and my partner put in a hell LOT of efforts for it) so it was special to both of us that our entire family was in on this. We had already done 2-3 y of LDR and never, NOT once have I ever felt that he was not loyal to me. Our friend circle was common, everyone knew everyone and I am certain he was always open about our relationship. He recently moved cities to pursue another degree and our plan was that I would join him in a few months.
2) what happened: while our wedding preparations were in full swing, he was very pressurised about his work and he didn’t have a good work team. He would often not get enough sleep, had no friends in the new city and most of our conversations during those months would be me trying to motivate him as this degree was important for his career and I didn’t want him to quit midway. But he used to be so tired, mentally done all the time. Plus, my partner is someone who had lot of male friends in his previous workplace so he was really feeling out of place. I would console him time and again. Enters X who has a group of 3-4 friends. She initiates contact w him regarding some work related forms and then they start talking. At this point he mentions her and tells me that him, X and the other 3-4 friends have plans to go out in the weekend. I am fine with that, infact happy that he finally has some company and he wouldn’t feel so alone. After the first few outings he sends me pictures of their group saying it feels nice to finally have people around. He tells me everyone’s names and what department they are in, I also meet two of them ( not X) when I visit his city for a short holiday. Everyone knows we are engaged to marry in a few months. Including X. And I know he hasn’t hidden this because I met the other people of the group as well. He has never hid me or our relationship so I have no reason not to trust him. He is still miserable due to work but I feel that having some people to fall back on is better. His posting changes- and the new team is full of people of who belittle him, make him work extra shifts- he becomes more miserable, i start worrying for him because on one hand our wedding is coming up and i can sense his mental health spiral due to the environment. I still try to motivate him- its not working. At one point we speak less and less, he starts sleeping for 14 hours on off days and is always miserable on phone, wants to quit. I on the other hand am worked up with wedding preps ( as he has no time for it) so I let it slide thinking its just a phase.
One day he goes to meet a female friend Y of his. I have never liked her that much and we have a fight on why he went without telling me (I found out retrospectively through IG stories). Until this point he has never lied or hid any meeting with any female friend, no dishonesty whatsoever. And she’s not even that good a friend so I am a little shaken on why he would hide it. When I raise this- he cries hysterically, asks for forgiveness and says he is losing himself. I begin to get uneasy and I ask him if he cheated- point blank. He denies. And sends me pictures that he went to church to ask forgiveness. Its not easy to digest as he is not that religious but okay.
Next morning, I get a message from X saying that your boyfriend is cheating on you, he begged me not to tell you, he said he will do everything to fix it - but I think you are going to get married so you should know. On asking, she tells me she (X) slept with 3 times in course of past 2 weeks, later he wouldn’t choose her and refused to dump me so she cut him off. "He is a child who only cares for himself" is what she said in the end.
3) confrontation: I call him up and ask him just once- tell me without lying- what have you done? He starts crying and confesses everything as she said 2 weeks, 3 times- first initiated by her in a moment of weakness and after that it continued. Acc to him, by the second time he realised he didn’t want it and didn’t want to complicate his life but he couldn’t understand what to do. He started getting anxiety attacks, suicidal thoughts, and lost quite some weight. Eventually she cuts him off when he says he wants to continue with me and will do everything in his power to mend our relationship. He is still not able to muster courage so he had gone to church and to a therapist (which he later told me) on how to tell me.
4) after that: has gone NC with X, took psychiatric meds for 3-4 months for anxiety and antidepressants to cope with work. Takes full accountability, is remorseful for his lapse of judgement, said he just felt she was in a similar situation as him professionally so venting out turned into an affair and feels disgusted by what he did, how he let me and his family down (they dont know but if they did). He says he didn’t feel any emotional connection but felt attached to her because she would listen to him vent out. He initially tells me I deserve better, later begs me to give him one chance and not break off the marriage. Continues with his meds and I can see him getting better.
5) about me: i was shattered, never imagined in my wildest dreams. I still love him and being empathetic i understand how it went down but it doesn’t justify anything. I didn’t tell anyone because I think I want to make this work. Over the next few months our relationship gets better, he is fully transparent, helps me with the grief, listens when I yell at him, answers questions repeatedly and i think we have gotten this far due to his efforts.
6) now- at 8 months post this- i have bouts of rage that he didn’t have to face consequences for what he did, hypervigilant at times and constantly suspicious for no reasons (especially around my periods). I feel this sense of moral injustice. He is loving, affectionate and more responsible now. I keep wondering what if he is again in some high stakes situation in future and he resorts to maladaptive coping behaviour (this is what his psychiatrist said). My overthinking has accelerated. We are now living together and in the present i have no reason to be suspicious but nothing helps with the anxiety. I tried therapy, i didn’t feel it did much for me. I do journalling regularly and i am trying to move on. But i am also losing patience on how much this troubles me. I have good moments with him, we did a trip together and it was one if the best ive been on, he is my best friend, but i wonder what if i am never able to let it go? I dont wanna be stuck in this anxiety forever. Does it get better? Or should I have walked away? And what if he does it again, it will crush me.
Help me with idk, whatever man, any advice is appreciated.
