SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I don't really know why I'm writing this. Maybe I just need to get it out somewhere because I don't have anyone to say it to.

I'm in my mid-40s. I used to work in private equity and was making very good money. I took care of everyone. My family, my wife, my kids. I thought I was building a stable life for all of us. I'm also a part-time musician, and I play a couple of shows every year. Music has honestly been my way of coping ever since my marriage fell apart.

About ten years ago, in 2016, my ex-wife had an affair with a wealthy man. It came completely out of nowhere. She suddenly became cold, asked for a divorce, and everything I'd built my life around disappeared almost overnight.

During the separation and custody fight, things became much worse. My ex-wife made serious allegations against me, including that I had hurt her and sexually abused our children. None of those allegations were true, but by then the damage was already being done.

She had deep pockets because of the man she was with, and she hired very expensive lawyers. I couldn't compete with that financially. In the end, she got custody of all three children, and I was left with only two visits a month.

I still struggle to explain what that felt like. I had spent years providing for my family and being there for my children, and suddenly I was being treated like someone they needed to be protected from.

Six months after our divorce, she married the man she'd left me for. He had never been married and never had children. From what I understood, he wanted a wife and children, and he got exactly that.

About two years later, they moved to the United States with my kids. Our custody agreement was basically impossible to enforce internationally, and I simply didn't have the money for another legal battle.

From then on, my relationship with my children slowly disappeared.

At first I'd see them during summers. Then the conversations became shorter. The phone calls became less frequent. I kept trying to stay involved however I could. Every year, I sent all three of my children birthday gifts. I don't even know if they received them. I would send them anyway, because not sending something felt like giving up.

Over the last three years, I haven't seen them at all. I tried reaching out, but they told me they didn't want a relationship with me anymore.

My oldest son is now 20, my older daughter is 18, and my youngest daughter is 15.

Last September, my daughter turned 18. They threw her a big birthday party. She shared a father-daughter dance with my ex-wife's husband.

I wasn't invited.

I wasn't even told about the party.

Do you know how I found out about my daughter's 18th birthday?

Instagram.

Someone posted videos from the party. I watched my daughter dancing with another man on her 18th birthday, while I sat alone looking at it on my phone.

I cried.

I don't think there is any other way to describe it.

This summer she graduated from high school. Again, I wasn't invited. Again, I found out through social media.

And yesterday was the hardest day of all.

My ex-wife, her husband, and my children asked me to sign documents giving up my parental rights so her husband could legally adopt all three of my kids.

My children said it was what they wanted.

I signed.

There wasn't really anything left to fight for. I wasn't going to force myself into the lives of people who no longer wanted me there. I couldn't keep fighting a battle where the people I was fighting for were telling me they didn't want me in their lives.

So yesterday, on paper, I stopped being their father.

I keep asking myself what I did wrong.

Was loving them not enough?

Was being a good dad never enough?

I honestly don't know anymore.

The strangest part is that I spent so much of my life thinking that if I worked hard enough, provided enough, and took care of everyone, I could protect the people I loved.

I was wrong.

Money couldn't protect my marriage. Money couldn't protect my relationship with my children. And when everything fell apart, having less money than the other side meant I couldn't even fight the custody battle on equal ground.

The man my ex-wife left me for had never been married and never had children. He wanted a wife and kids.

Now he has a wife, three kids who call him Dad, and the life that used to be mine.

I hope they're happy.

I genuinely do.

I just wish losing them didn't hurt this much.

I'm not looking for advice. I know there's probably nothing anyone can say that will change any of this.

I just needed to tell someone.

You have been heard, Christopher5.

I am so sorry this happened. It was not because of anything at all to do with you- your XWS is very conniving and dishonest. Keep in touch with your kids— they are still young, they have not been in the adult world to know that things are not black and white, and that they have been fed a lot of lies.

Meanwhile, try to build a new life for you. Music sounds like a great outlet. Keep doing that. How else are you rebuilding?

I’m Sorry you were victimized by parental alienation.

I don’t think there is much you can do Especially due to the distance.

This breaks my heart and I hope you can find some peace and joy in your life. You did nothing wrong but in order for your XW to live with her cheating, she had to lie to "justify" it. And you became her target.

It’s unfortunate your kids will never know the truth.

Heard and witnessed.

I hope you have some family and friends who love you and support you.

I'm really sad to hear this story. I hope you are doing better. I think it's terrible of your family to have done that to you. I hope you find a situation that will work out for you, and help you heal from this.

Hey brother, I’m aware you said you weren’t here for advice, and I’m not here to make or force you to listen to anything I have to say. But I wanted to say something.

What happened to you is absolutely cruel, and was in no way your fault in the slightest. Your children are just as much victims as are you, and their behavior reflects a venomous image of you painted by the woman, not the real you. You didn’t give up on your children, you chose yourself, and that’s not selfish, it’s brave, it shows strength even in the darkest pits.

I wanted to tell you that, no matter how bleak things might be, this world has an absolute abundance of love, love that is waiting for you on the other side of this. If I may, I wanted to tell you that the best thing you can do now is, after you take your time, as long as you need, close this chapter, and begin anew. Millions upon millions have, your case is no different. You have an immense amount of life ahead of you full of love, connection, meaning, and peace just waiting to be claimed by a man who deserves it all and then some. Your happiness and peace is a completely separate entity from the people who used to consume and frankly, be your life. But you are you, not them. You have always been you and you alone.

Do not allow the vile acts of another human being be what determines your future. Continue pursuing your dreams, life, making connections, romantic or not. The fact you managed to get this out to us shows they failed, they couldn’t destroy you. And that is your ultimate victory, your refusal to be destroyed. Your inevitability. Build a life so full of joy and purpose that their actions no longer have power over you, and devoid your life of them. You can adapt. You will adapt, you will heal, and you will conquer.

You’ve been heard.
Your story is far from over.
You will not be erased.

This is absolutely heartbreaking.

Your feelings are justified. Please write each one a letter pouring out your heart and the facts, and do what you can to make sure they get it. That is all you can do.

You can Ex has done great evil to you. I am so sorry. I encourage you to find a woman who has gone through something similar...who can relate. And you two can build a life. This is horribly sad ...one of the worst I have heard. May God comfort you. 🙏

I mean this with zero disrespect toward you, Wood, I know your intentions are good, by all means 100%.

I just think the best course for Chris right now is to allow himself to be exhausted, to let himself burn out, and to take whatever time he needs to reflect and digest everything he’s lived through. At least before any attempts at reconciliation.

And about reconciliation, I personally believe the door is always open when it comes to children. But whether someone chooses to leave that door open actively (letters, gifts, messages) or passively (simply being available if they ever reach out) is entirely up to them. There’s no "wrong" choice there.

What feels most important right

now is that he reclaims his own life and remembers that his future isn’t determined by the people who hurt him, that life is truly abundant. If his children choose to return someday, that can be another chapter, but it shouldn’t be the foundation he’s forced to stand on today.

All love

[This message edited by lurkingroach07 at 5:57 PM, Wednesday, August 26th]