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Hello again , if you want to read my story it’s posted in the "just found out " section , but to summarize , it’s been about a week since I found evidence that my partner of 5 years paid an escort for oral sex. At first he denied it , but after a few days of space he came clean and told me everything. We are not legally married , but we live together. The first few days after I found out were unbearable. Now, I feel a bit of relief after having him come clean and express remorse / desire to do better / work on the relationship. However, I just don’t know. I don’t know what to do next. He agreed to couples therapy. Our relationship was pretty wonderful at some point in the past. I really do love him and feel a deep connection to him, close as family. I just don’t know if I can get over the disrespect. Or rather, I feel like I can forgive him. But I’m not sure if I want to take the risk of ever feeling like that again. So how do I decide if it’s worth it?
What are the rules and boundaries in the meantime ? We are sharing the same bed (it’s a big bed , we’re not touching ). How long to give myself to make a decision ? Because currently I am flip flopping. I need to be able to decide "yes I will try to reconcile and give it a chance " or " no it’s not worth recovering " , but right now I am just not at that point. So what do I do in the meantime? How do I discover and listen to my own voice and feelings ? What kind of boundaries should I put up while I am trying to figure it out ? (Obviously not being intimate is one I am sticking to for the indefinite future). Currently just trying to take care of myself and eat and sleep and keep busy. But I don’t want to be in limbo forevermore .

My advice would be that you not make any decisions right away.

You have time to decide. You really do. You can stay put while you decide, or you can go elsewhere to decide, or ask him to leave temporarily while you decide. There’s no rush, though. The fact is that you can decide to try, and still can leave at any point in the future if you change your mind.

One thing I know is that at this stage of things, it is very likely that you don’t have all of the information you need. You don’t yet have a timeline of events from him, which can help. You may not have all the information on whether or not he has had other affairs, either.

You may want him to do a therapeutic disclosure, where a counselor assists in him writing out a full and complete admission, and reads it you you in a controlled setting.

You may need time to go through his emails and texts and calls.

There are a million reasons to delay a decision.

A week is so, so early. You don't have to commit to anything right now. It's alright if you want to just pause right now and flip flop for the next couple of months. There's not time limit or shelf life on this.

I just want you to know what you're feeling is completely normal. Betrayal trauma is extremely destabilizing for everyone. You'll reach more clarity as time goes by. Just give yourself some grace in the meantime.

[This message edited by Pogre at 7:24 PM, Monday, August 24th]

There's no formula for this, I'm sorry to say! Set your boundaries where you are comfortable with them. Don't want physical intimacy? Fine. Don't want to cook for him anymore? Fine. Want to move out for a few weeks? Go for it. Want to have sex twice day? Totally okay (but use protection).

You can decide to give reconciliation a chance and then change your mind on any given day. There's no commitment when it comes to R, and there's no expiration date for splitting up. You can also decide to break up for a while and then see how you feel and what he does while you're apart. Some people go no contact for a month or two, others install Life360 and watch their WP's every move.

Living in limbo is hard, but it's a normal part of the process. It takes time to adjust to your new reality, and while some people know their heart right away, others take months or years to figure it out.

What are the rules and boundaries in the meantime ? We are sharing the same bed (it’s a big bed , we’re not touching ). How long to give myself to make a decision ? Because currently I am flip flopping. I need to be able to decide "yes I will try to reconcile and give it a chance " or " no it’s not worth recovering " , but right now I am just not at that point. So what do I do in the meantime? How do I discover and listen to my own voice and feelings ? What kind of boundaries should I put up while I am trying to figure it out ? (Obviously not being intimate is one I am sticking to for the indefinite future).

I’m in a similar sort of limbo right now myself, and I am ten months in, so take what resonates from my perspective. What I’ve learned so far is that there are no wrong answers for you. Make the boundaries that make you feel safe, and do not feel an ounce of guilt about them. Make whatever consequences for breaking those boundaries you feel appropriate. Try and stick to them, but don't be too hard on yourself if you fail.

If you are comfortable sharing the same big bed for now, do it. If you eventually need to transition to a strictly roommates only arrangement just to find some breathing room and clarity, that is completely valid, too. Try not to rush the decision. This trauma is life-altering and entirely disorienting, and you need time for the ground to stop shifting beneath you before you can see clearly.

Shame and guilt are unfortunately heavily trafficked on both sides of this particular highway, but please know this is not your fault in any way, shape, or form. You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of.

You have the right to make whatever decision feels right to you today, but you also hold all the power to change that decision at any time. If you decide to stay for now, you can still leave whenever you wish, completely guilt free. If you leave and eventually find that your partner is truly doing the work and you want to try again, that is also your prerogative. It can often help to set a personal milestone, maybe a specific date a few months down the road, where your only job is to observe, listen to your own voice, and take the pressure off making a permanent choice right this second.

You are not alone, you are heard and validated, and you will make it through.

1. R(ecovery) is different from R(econciliation). The act of recovery is the acts of healing. Think of it this way: you've been traumatized. You need time to get your footing again. You can't think clearly until you start your recovery. R(econciliation) is just one of the options that can get you out of infidelity ant into a good life.

2. I know the pain is terrible. It's normal to get through it quickly (hence the 'soon' in my ID). You can't do that, though.

First, you have to recover enough to think clearly. Then you need to made the choice that best fits you and your sitch. IMO, it takes at least 3 months to get out of shock.

You're making decisions that affect decades of your life. It's worth taking 3 - 6 - 12 months or even more to figure out what your best option is.

The fastest way to heal? Slow down. Patience. Courage.

You would be best to consider this a recovery period during which your husband does some work investigating himself and coming to terms with his values, deficiencies, and working towards trust, repair, and finding new ways to appreciate you, the marriage, and developing new knowledge and skills.

At the same time, just feel your feelings. There is no way to move towards reconciliation until some healing occurs. Moving forward requires both the tuoew of change in his behalf and time for you to process all your thoughts and feelings.

The outcome of the marriage will be a long term goal, but putting pressure on yourself to keep the peace is probably going to result in rugsweeping. It’s better that you all take the time to work on individual healing and learning. I don’t mean to say you need to do something artificial, but he needs to live through the natural consequences of his actions and take this seriously.