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April 4th 2024 was my D-Day. 5 months later I reached out to the wife of my wife's AP and told her everything I knew. I apologized for causing her hurt with the information but I felt she had a right to know and she was very thankful. Turns out this was his second affair that she knows about

She confronted him, he begged her to stay, said he would go to counseling, do whatever it takes to fix the marriage, Etc. But he was not committed

I check in with her every once in awhile just to see how she's doing and for a while she said things are going good, he's going to therapy, she's hopeful.

About 2 weeks ago she reached out asking if she could talk to my wife on the phone. She said she wasn't asking so she could confront my wife, she sees an old pattern starting up with her husband, found something in his Facebook Messenger, and she wanted to ask my wife some questions about their affair. My wife agreed.

After they spoke my wife said the other woman was nothing but gracious even though she didn't have to be. Turns out after the affair with my wife ended he started up with another coworker and that turned into a full-blown physical affair. They even had sex in his car which in reality belongs to him and his wife. The woman has a boyfriend.

After she confronted him she reached out to me and said they decided to divorce because he said he could not promise her fidelity.

Once again he is begging her to stay, said he didn't put enough effort into counseling, said he really wants to fix the relationship. This is three affairs that she knows about. How can you ever believe anything the person says?

I will never understand how somebody is willing to engage in something so superficial and selfish with the risk of destroying a marriage, forcing your kids to split time between parents, alternating holidays, the social consequences, the financial consequences, destroying lives.

Agreed. There is nothing that could move me to risk my family, but for those in the fog, this isn’t considered.

Your wife gave the other BS a gift by speaking with her. It’s devastating all around.

The AP will continue until they choose to stop or the BW leaves. I stayed. My H continued. Karma has a funny way of popping up. A new member of our 13 year old son’s baseball team’s parents used to hangout with H during his first A more than 16 years ago. He hadn’t seen them in all of this time.

We were invited to a BBQ with other baseball families and the wife was drunk and shared a very unflattering story about my H in front of all of us.

He was ashamed.

I was furious. He was doing THAT while I was home caring for our one year and newborn? I was the only one working. I was the only adult. It was trauma all over again.

I realized I have so much work to do.

The BW here is doing the right thing. He isn’t going to stop. He needs to understand why he is doing it and address it.

So sad.

[This message edited by luvedmypbear at 2:54 PM, Saturday, July 19th]

I was in technical sales for 30 years and now I teach sales skills. In sales, the goal is to show the customer that there is a better future for them if they make the change to your solution. Whenever you move to a new solution there is change involved - learn the new system, get everyone trained, update documents, get new spare parts, deactivate the old system, etc. It can be a lot of time, money, and energy and there is risk involved.

Customer’s won’t risk it and go through all that unless they believe that the pain of their current solution is more than the pain of change to get to the ideal solution.

I think this is true of WS, too. To change from cheater to good partner will take a ton of time, energy, and pain. We’ve had so many former WS in the Wayward forum who have done the work and they tell us it is not for the weak. But they also all say it was worth it. A newly busted WS can’t see that better future - all they see is that they had the illusion of everything was okay while in their A, and there is a lot of pain ahead if they give that up and do the hard work of discovering their whys and changing their shitty coping skills and whatever other flaws that allow them to cheat. They don’t yet recognize that their current state is actually bad and going to get worse. So they won’t risk the change. This is why the 180 can shock them, and holding true boundaries can show them the bad future if they keep down their cheating path. But in the end, they have to make the change and many just can’t risk it.

It is sad and shallow and short-sighted. And self-destructive.

Well said, BB.

After she confronted him she reached out to me and said they decided to divorce because he said he could not promise her fidelity.

Can't, huh?

Funny how he can't promise fidelity now when I'll bet that is EXACTLY what he promised when he married. But at least he's being 'honest' now....so give him his brownie points. We all know he needs his praise.

Jb31 it’s interesting how exwh could promise forever faithfulness when we got married but called it controlling when I told him after I caught him cheating that he would need to actually commit to the exact same thing for me to R