SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Its been a month since I saw his "I love you" text to his coworker. He immediately left for work out of town. In her town, coincidentally. He hasn't returned and has cut off nearly all communication with me. We have been together for over 20 years and have 3 kids together. I love him. I thought we had a happy marriage. He insists that he has done nothing wrong, just developed a really deep emotional connection with a coworker that led to texting each other 50 times a day. He admits that he's attracted to her. He has fallen in love with her. He refuses to show me their text history, but acknowledged that I would be bothered by the sexually suggestive texts, flirting and the things he has said about me to her. He refuses to call it an affair because he insists that he hasn't slept with her or even kissed her. He told me that he wants to stay married and that when this job ends in 2 weeks, his relationship with her will naturally fade away. I have told him that he needs to end contact, or not to bother returning home. He consistently refuses to do that. I know that he doesn't want to be with her long term. He wants to have his marriage AND his "friend". My boundary is pretty clear that I won't tolerate that. But at what point do I give up hope? Will he ever see reason? He isn't thinking clearly right now. How long is reasonable for me to wait for him to stop being an idiot? How long did your partner's affair fog last?

As long as you let it, in my experience. You must decide upon your boundaries and be willing to enforce them - even to the point of risking your loved one leaving the marriage. Read the book Not Just Friends

[This message edited by JimBetrayed62 at 7:12 PM, Thursday, July 17th]

My wife didn’t confess her A until over a decade later — she mostly had to solve the lies she told herself (the fog) on her own, but some of those rationalizations lasted even after she told me about it.

In her mind, she figured the truth of her AP (long time family friend) around a two year span.

AP dumped her in a very harsh manner and kept reminding her how over it was for almost two years. We moved away, and suddenly, AP realized he could maybe restart the A from a safer distance. He visited us and finally, for the first time, my wife turned him away.

Reality is the fog breaker, consequences will break through it as well.

It doesn’t matter how long the cheating spouse is in the fog.

It’s what YOU the betrayed spouse does that matters.

I was in your shoes. My H was convinced the 29 yo drama Queen ( he was 49 at the time) was his true love. Planned to D me. Told me 10 days after learning of the affair (originally it was nothing according to him) he was D me.

For 6 months I bent over backwards to R. Actually I was deluded into thinking we were Reconciling but he was still cheating.

I finally set some very strong boundaries. I had no choice but to D him. It was either him or me — I was losing my sanity over this affair drama — so I chose me.

Lo and behold he STILL thought he was in control. He thought I was still a doormat. The first time he tried to initiate a conversation and I just said "no" and left the room he was shocked. By the third time he got the message.

I am going to say that if you allow him to waltz in the door "after his affair dies" and he can come back home like nothing ever happened, you are Most likely going to see either a repeat of this behavior or he will continue to treat you like this.

He doesn’t think you have backbone. He thinks you are a doormat.

Show him otherwise. I would start by telling him he’s is not returning home after this behavior and he’s not in charge.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 12:25 PM, Sunday, July 20th]

It took less than three months for my FWW's fog to lift. It was when she realized her AP had no intention of leaving his pregnant wife and three kids.

All he'd ever wanted was cheap sex.

[This message edited by WishidleftHer at 10:36 PM, Thursday, July 17th]

You have already made it to the crux of the problem. He wants both and will pick both as long as both is an option. You say you have a pretty clear boundary that you won't accept both. He has left home and isn't talking to you. So if your boundary is that you aren't going to share him, then just keep enforcing it. Feel free to start divorce proceedings. They take a long time to complete and you can stop them at any time. No contact is no contact. An affair doesn't "naturally fade away". For now, it seems like you have communicated your boundaries, but they aren't boundaries if you don't have an enforcement mechanism.

As for not reading their texts, I'm paraphrasing a bit but I received the advice early on about my wife's communication with AP "The only reason you should be reading those texts is because you tragically lost your eyesight and your lawyer is reading them to you".

It's *at least* an emotional affair. It's probably more and he is lying.

My xFWH really didn’t have the fog of the A. He was tired of her games and to a great degree continued bcuz she threatened to expose repeatedly. He said he was relieved that dday finally happened as the stress was extreme.

However, your spouse is very likely lying to you on multiple levels. Adults normally don’t spend long hours alone without it turning physical. Whether that be "just" kissing, oral, dry humping, or full on intercourse.

30 days with minimal communication, exchanging of ILY, pls see an attorney to know your rights. He has essentially abandoned you and your children. Please do not let him to continue to disrespect your family and marriage in such a way.

[This message edited by AnnieOakley at 10:45 PM, Thursday, July 17th]

Welcome to SI and I'm sorry that you're dealing with infidelity. There are some posts pinned to the top of the JFO (Just Found Out) forum that you may find helpful. There are some posts that aren't pinned that are really good, and you can find them by looking for the bull's eye icon. The Healing Library is at the top of the site and has a nice collection of resources.

Your WH (wayward husband) shoould read How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald and Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass. Not Just Friends has a quiz in it to find out if it is an affair.

He very much wants to have his cake and eat it, too. What if he never gets his head out of his behind?

My WW confessed her affair to me, but I wouldn't say she really came out of the "fog" for 10 months.

I base this on when she made me a genuine apology for having an affair, and promised she would never do something like that to me again. That and changed behavior.

However even now more than a year later she still has remnants of affair thinking. She still hypocritically blames me for things that really are her doing. It's sometimes hard to be patient.

Where I'm going with this is it takes time for them to really come out of it.

However, if my wife had been acting like your husband, I would have filed for divorce early on.

Since you are posting in general I assume you are OK with hearing from a WW - if not, please skip this response.

My first post so many years ago was "how long does it take to get over the AP?" I didn’t *want* the obsessive intrusive thoughts, and yet there they were. I didn’t label the interactions like your husband did, I knew I didn’t love him (or even like him) but the compulsion to interact was wrecking my life. I was waiting it out, six months by the time I found SI, thinking that time would be the cure, and it wasn’t. I think many people stay in some sort of fog forever even if they never see the AP again - thinking they were soulmates but each would dutifully return to their marriage or some garbage like that. It takes intention, work, focus, and persistence to re-wire one’s brain especially after an affair. I’m skeptical that time alone does anything meaningful, though perhaps others will share a different experience.

[This message edited by Pippin at 10:36 AM, Friday, July 18th]

This may offer no support for you but it's long been my opinion that the notion of "affair fog" is a complete fabrication. Infidelity is unequivocally a conscious choice, never an uncontrollable state. To maintain a double life requires significant executive functioning and deliberate decision-making, far from any genuine impairment. True "fogs," like those seen in dementia, are not selectively applied; they permeate all aspects of life. Therefore, "affair fog" serves merely as a convenient stalling tactic, allowing the unfaithful partner to selfishly maintain their marriage whilst getting benefits on the side.

For me, the concept of "affair fog" is akin to suggesting that every time someone acts immorally, they are simply going through a "bad person fog." It's an attempt to dilute accountability by externalizing blame onto an ephemeral, convenient state.

Imagine if we applied this same logic to any other abusive situation. If a spouse were to say, "My husband has been beating me, but how long until the 'bad person fog' lifts?" The very notion is abhorrent and would be universally rejected. We would immediately recognize that as an excuse, not an explanation that absolves responsibility. We would never tolerate such a justification for physical violence, nor would we expect the victim to passively wait for the "fog" to dissipate. Yet, when it comes to infidelity, a form of emotional and psychological abuse, we are often implicitly or explicitly pushed to accept this very framework, to wait patiently for a supposed "fog" to clear, as if the betrayer is merely a victim of their own temporary delusion. This stark inconsistency in how we address different forms of harmful behavior is, to me, deeply troubling.

That's not to say every member of this board advocates for waiting the fog out, I know this is not the case. Many would actively advocate for taking some form of stand but the concept in general is disturbing.

[This message edited by DRSOOLERS at 2:29 PM, Friday, July 18th]

I'm very sorry your H has gone off the rails.

I strongly suggest preparing to write off your H because he keeps insisting he's not doing anything wrong. If he truly believes he's doing nothing wrong, he's far removed from reality, and that means he's unpredictable.

Like others, I think there's nothing you can do to bring your H back. All you can do is protect yourself and your kids.

D – Don’t

E – Even

T – Think

A – About

C – Changing

H – Him.

I suggest considering implementing https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/598080/the-simplified-180/.

He may recover his forgotten moral senses*, but so far he has violated his M vows, and he is lying to you and, probably, himself. He's got a long way to go to change from cheater to good partner.

IMO, 'affair fog' is a form of limerence, and it's as real as being 'in love'. See Dorothy Tennov's Love and Limerence: The Experience of Being in Love.

The fact that one is not limerent is not evidence that limerence does not exist.

* Gilbert & Sullivan' song 'It Really Doesn't Matter' has been playing in my head for days. 'Forgotten moral senses' is one of the phrases. The song can be heard on youtube. Alas, I can't hear my LP because my hifi is a little screwed up.

*****

Added to emphasize Shehawk's post: The fact that the fog exists does nothing to mitigate the pain; nor does it imply in any way that the fogged up WS deserves any mercy from the BS because of the fog.

'Fog' is a shorthand for describing the behavior of at least some WSes. Wherher the BS stays fogged up or immediately comes out of it, the fog has nothing to do with how the BS responds to the WS's A(s).

I totally agree that the BS's best bet is to figure out what they want and act in their own best interests. The BS's justice-vs-mercy decision is up to the BS.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 9:23 AM, Saturday, July 19th]

Since I think it is a lack of integrity as opposed to a fugue state, I would say until the wayward grows a sufficient conscience. So for some people the fog dissipates almost immediately. For others potentially never….

I don’t negate that there are some brain chemistry aspects to being in "lurve", lust or whatever.

One powerful thing I have learned in the past over half a decade (since DD2 that I knew of and who knows how many times exwh actually cheated) though is that what is really important to me personally is whether someone’s level of integrity hits a threshold that my partner is a safe intimate partner and (dare I wish for more) soothing instead of inciting to my nervous system, and their presence brings me peace and pleasure rather than pain….

DrSoolers, how do you reconcile this:

it's long been my opinion that the notion of "affair fog" is a complete fabrication

With me and other waywards sharing that we have experienced the affair fog?

I don't believe the concept of "affair fog" is meant to absolve waywards of blame. It's a description that illuminates, not justifies, wayward thought patterns. Some BS aren't interested in explanations, and that's absolutely valid. For those who are, and for WS who are starting the work, affair fog is a useful term for a self-deceptive state that enables infidelity.

[This message edited by BraveSirRobin at 2:01 PM, Saturday, July 19th]

BSR! Haven’t seen you in forever. I hope you are well! But why, so clever and astute, why scootch in to add nuance when I left such a deliberately stark question? You can, obv, but should?

(And, I 100% agree with you)

[This message edited by Pippin at 2:09 PM, Saturday, July 19th]

Had I not witnessed Affair Fog personally I’m not sure I would understand it.

But it does explain the irrational behavior of my H for the weeks leading up to Dday2.

I was concerned he started using drugs or was having a mental breakdown. No joke. He was that irrational.

The flip flop back and forth of him wanting a D - then changing his mind — was something out of a soap opera lol.

I’ve seen many friends remain in relationships that were bad relationships because of "the fog". I didn’t know what the reason was but I liken it to something very similar to the affair fog syndrome.

It’s real. No joke.

There have been countless threads on 'affair fog', but I can accept both DRS's and BSR's opinions. Just like if we were ever infatuated with something....especially in our pre-adult years....it can give an idea how obsessive we can be, but in no way is it any sort of medical delusion.

Searchingforsun, like DRSOOLERS stated, it is highly doubtful that your husband is suffering from some sort of mental illness. What is most likely happening is what BraveSirRobin wrote---he is in wayward thinking mode. I know that you are looking for the definitive answer, but no one really knows. It is very possible that things may happen just like your husband stated. The job ends. The relationship *naturally* fades away over time, and he returns to, let's call it, 'pre-involvement' life with you and the family.

Does that really resolve anything? You real-life experienced how he can attach to another woman, without recognizing any fault of his own, or any care in how it affected you. Why won't he ever do this again, if he did virtually nothing wrong in his mind this time?

You may or may not know your boundaries. You know what you think your boundaries are; they are not real boundaries until they are tested. They may be more or less flexible than you thought. The only right or wrong answer is if you feel you are betraying your believed boundaries. If you want to give him some grace, that is up to you. If you are steadfast on not accepting one more moment of this behavior, that is also your choice. Most importantly, do not let fear drive your choices. Go with what you feel aligns with your boundaries.

DrSoolers, how do you reconcile this: With me and other waywards sharing that we have experienced the affair fog?

Look, the term "affair fog" gets tossed around a lot, as if it's a real psychologically accepted phenomena. But let's be blunt: while intense emotions certainly happen during an affair, this idea of a "fog" isn't some unique, distinct psychological state that mysteriously takes over. In fact, it's a problematic notion because it conveniently obscures the free will and deliberate choices involved.
When people claim to be in an "affair fog," they're describing intense feelings, warped thinking, and acting out of character. I'm not denying those experiences exist. However, framing it as a "fog" implies a profound lack of agency, as if someone's temporarily possessed or brainwashed, unable to see clearly or make rational decisions. That's a huge problem.

What they're likely experiencing is limerence. This is a genuinely recognized psychological phenomenon: an involuntary, intense infatuation and obsession with another person, driven by a desperate longing for them to desire you back. Limerence is characterized by obsessive thoughts, extreme idealization of the other person, and wild emotional swings based on perceived reciprocation. It's a real, measurable internal experience, and it can happen in any context—a crush, a new relationship, or, yes, even an affair. So, if someone in an affair is feeling intensely euphoric and obsessed with their affair partner, it's far more accurate to call it limerence than some vague, convenient "fog."
Frankly, the "affair fog" label is nothing more than a convenient metaphor or a societal construct. It bundles together well-understood psychological effects but does so in a way that subtly, yet profoundly, diminishes accountability.

For instance, the distorted thinking and self-serving rationalizations often blamed on "affair fog" are clearly explained by cognitive dissonance. When your actions (having an affair) clash directly with your beliefs (being a good, loyal person), your mind scrambles to resolve that discomfort. It will actively invent justifications for the affair, deliberately downplay the immense harm it's causing, or even shift blame onto the primary relationship. This isn't a "fog" blurring vision; it's the brain actively constructing a self-serving narrative to avoid internal conflict. This takes deliberate mental effort, not a lapse of consciousness.

Similarly, acting "out of character" isn't some automatic response to a "fog." It's often a direct result of making conscious choices under intense emotional pressure, or perhaps a calculated, albeit misguided, attempt to fulfill personal needs. The idea of a "fog" conveniently pushes the focus away from the deliberate decisions being made, even when those decisions are influenced by powerful emotions. It allows the narrative to become "I wasn't myself," rather than confronting the reality: "I made choices that actively betrayed my values and harmed others, driven by strong feelings and a desire to maintain personal gratification."

Ultimately, labeling infidelity as "affair fog" dangerously implies that individuals are somehow stripped of their free will, that they magically lose the capacity to choose or understand the devastating impact of their actions until this supposed "fog lifts." This is a deeply flawed and self-serving simplification. While emotions are undeniably powerful, and limerence can certainly be all-consuming, people remain capable of making choices. Attributing harmful, deceitful behaviors solely to a "fog" directly undermines the essential concept of personal responsibility and the active agency involved in choosing to engage in, perpetuate, and continue an affair.

So, while the intense emotions and skewed thinking within an affair are very real, let's call them by their actual names: limerence, cognitive dissonance, rationalization, and conscious choices. "Affair fog" is just a flimsy, descriptive umbrella term that, quite frankly, serves to detract from understanding the deeper, often uncomfortable, psychological drivers and the continuous exercise of free will inherent in every step of infidelity. It's a convenient excuse, not a valid explanation.

Personally I'd be far more comfortable if people were to say: 'I acted like an entitled, immoral fool because I had a crush on someone else' Maybe that's just me.